Dear Diary
by burninganchors
Summary: OLD STORY. Maerad and Cadvan reflect upon their relationship through their diary entries. Watch them transform through their very own writings, and perhaps draw closer together. Rating to be safe.
1. A Normal Day

Dear Diary FanFic 1!!!!!!!!!!!

This first "Dear Diary" FanFic is for M+C. I will publish sequels on here about other pairings/people. These FanFics are about how they are drawn together, and it tells it from their POV through diary entries. ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Disclaimer: **I know you're disappointed, but I don't own them. You can still like it, though...that would be nice...

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was a normal day for me. After the war, I guess everything is normal. I had lessons with Indik (more sword-fighting, I thought I was done with all that) and Silvia and I practiced music together. I never knew that Silvia could play the lyre so well! Of course, playing the lyre always reminds me of my old one. How I wish I had not had to break it! It was all I had of mother, and yet it was all the Elidhu had at all. I guess it's fair, but I just wish that I hadn't had to destroy it to save the light! Cadvan says it is all for the best, and I believe him, but it is so hard._

_Anyway, after the music, Cadvan and I dined in a tavern for lunch. It's nice, just the two of us together. Kind of like old times…To tell you the truth, I kind of miss the days we used to have; traveling and joking and laughing. Of course, we still have those days, but I miss it all the same._

_Then Hem and I went on a ride. His new horse is so funny, merely a colt, and it spooked at about everything we passed! Not like Imi. I love her so much! _

_We went over the meadows in front on Innail, and then we came back and had dinner with Malgorn and Silvia and Cadvan. Saliman is away on business, and Hem was a little uncomfortable (still, I can't believe it!) around the others, but he relaxed when we went into the music room. He likes it there. We talked long into the night, all of us. One thing that came up was the future. I'm scared of it. I don't know what I'm going to do, now that everything is all over. All this talk of settling down and learning frightens me, although I would love to go back to my books. I'm just afraid of what comes after that……No, I am not afraid. I am terrified._

**CADVAN**

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was a normal day for me. I slept in late (how good it is to sleep in a bed again!), then had breakfast with Malgorn. He seemed preoccupied as we talked, although I know not with what, so I left him there. Now that I think back, it was actually a sort of boring day for me. With no more traveling and fighting, there's nothing to do. Secretly, I miss the days when Maerad and I traveled together, just the two of us. It was exciting and all new to me, but now there is nothing._

_After her lessons, I met Maerad on the way and we decided to have lunch at the Mare's Tail, the quaint little tavern down in the town. We chatted and laughed, and it was almost like old times. Talking with Maerad always relieves my spirits. She's the only one I can really trust, I guess you can say, while Saliman is away. It's sort of scary how she knows so much about me; she's so in tune to my emotions. It's never been that way with anyone except Saliman and Nelac. And maybe…no, not really. Never mind._

_Later, Maerad and Hem went on a ride. I decided to check on Darsor. He told me that everything was going fine for him, although he chaffed at the stabling. Of course, he does that at any stable. I am beginning to wonder whether I should let him go free again. After all, he will always come back when I need him. But I want him here, he is a person to confide in, not just a horse. I will think on that tomorrow._

_For dinner, I dined with Malgorn and Silvia and Maerad and Hem. It was funny to see how Hem is still uncomfortable around me! There is something about that boy that I find trustworthy, and I am willing to be his friend, yet he fears me. Although I am intimidating, some would argue. Ah well. I shall think on that tomorrow as well. It gets late. Only dreams await me now…_

So? Did you like? Tell me as you review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Hem's Illness

Dear Diary Chapter 2 is up!!!!!!!!!!!! R&R, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Disclaimer: **You must come to terms with the fact that I do not own these amazing characters. No. I do not. Do not lie to yourself any longer.

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_Help, me diary! I had an awful day, I wish I had never woken up! As soon as I got out of bed, I knew something was wrong. The very air was thick with apprehension and sorrow. Shivering, I dragged myself out of bed and ran downstairs, only to see what I had never wanted to. Hem, my only brother, was lying still on the couch in the music room._

_Saliman told me that he had gone to wake Hem and found him gone. Frantic with worry, he had searched everywhere before he found him sprawled in the kitchen, his limbs "pale as the driven snow, unlike their normal Pilani coloring," in Saliman's words. Saliman looked awful, all sad and upset. I never knew that he cared about Hem so much. It makes me feel not so alone; I know that there's someone else watching out for him._

_But we still had not figured out what happened. Cadvan, as soon as I came down, turned to me. His face was grim; I haven't seen his face like that since the battle. He told me that he could find no evidence of injury. He was afraid that it was something attacking his mind, and that it was something only I could fix._

_I hate always having to be the only one who can do anything! I don't want all of this responsibility. Maybe the future would even be better than this…I'm also sick of people being killed and hurt at my expense. My own brother, probably attacked by a creature of the dark, seeking me. I wish I was normal. I wish I could do everything right…_

_After that, with nothing more to do, our little party (Malgorn, Silvia, Soron, Saliman, Cadvan, and I) made our way to where Hem had been attacked. There was absolutely nothing there. It made me want to scream and cry and shout and…die. I think Cadvan sensed my anxiety. He grasped my hand in a comforting way, and in his eyes was an expression of compassion. I am so thankful to have a friend like that. I never had one before. I can't even remember anyone from Pellinor. Cadvan is all I have._

_All of us had a grim lunch, and then I spent the rest of my day by Hem's side. I refused all offers of food, and I constantly puzzled over what was wrong with him. How could I heal my only kin? It must be something strong…The last thing I remembered was nodding off to sleep, and then I woke up in my own bed. That is where this writing finds me. I wonder how I got here? But alas, I am still half-asleep, so I think I will write more tomorrow. My heart still aches too much to write more. Farewell._

**CADVAN**

_Dear Diary,_

_What a day! No, that doesn't even begin to describe this day. It was horrid, the worst I have had since the battle._

_Saliman woke me early, and I froze, realizing that his face was an awful shade of yellow. He told me that Hem had collapsed, early this morning. I leapt out of bed and followed him to where the boy lay, so still, on a couch in the music room. I tried all my powers of healing until Maerad came down. Oh, my heart went out to her! Her face was pale, and she was sleep-tousled and her eyes were wide in fright. I don't know how she knew, but she did. The ties of love are strong. I told her there was nothing I could do, and that (as it had been a hunch of mine) that it was only she who could save him. I saw her face fall. I feel sorry for Maerad, and I know she must hate always having to be the one who saves the day. It's hard enough just being herself, if I assume correctly._

_In desperation, we all went and searched the kitchen. We found nothing there, and the look on Maerad's face was enough to melt hearts. I took her hand and we just sat for some time, I remember, taking comfort in friendship. It is good for Maerad to have friends. I remember the first day I found her, how scrawny and terrified she was then! She has grown so much, both inside and out. I laugh as I think of that day._

_But today was not a day for laughter. We could barely eat our lunch, and it was as silent as death in that room of ours. Then Maerad excused herself, and went to sit by her brother's side, only staring, watching him, her eyes pleading with him to wake, to rise from his empty dreams. Nothing I nor anyone did could rid her from his side. She wouldn't even eat. I fear for Maerad, if Hem does not get well. She will waste away. Her brother is her only kin, and they need each other desperately. They must cling to each other with all they have, so as not to fall, and therefore fail. It was late before she fell asleep, her hair all strewn in dark locks around her pale, silent face. I took her in my arms and carried her to her bed, and then retired myself, as my heart was sick with the day. _

_I hope this…problem, to say the least...solves itself in due time. I couldn't bear it if Hem were to die, no matter that he fears me. For if Hem died, then Maerad surely would too… Oh, how I wish these dark problems were gone, and that only sweet dreams would follow, their gentle light and beauty beckoning! But, it seems, sweet dreams have vanished with the past, never to be seen again, and nightmares have at last become reality. _

Enjoy to the fullest! Then, R&R!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. The Attack

Newwwwwwwwwww entry!!!!!!!! Maerad and Cadvan are busy writers…..  :)

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything you recognize as Alison Croggon's.

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_I can barely write. My arms ache from mopping Hem's sweaty forehead, and my fingers are blistered from giving him the acidic medicine that was prescribed by the healers (yes, there was more than one) that came to town. So far, none can reach him. He is wrapped in his own unconsciousness, and he stirs in his sleep and cries out, but he does not rise. I wish I could reach him!_

_Cadvan tried another treatment today, and it was disastrous. Cadvan, believing that Hem is being attacked by a spirit of the Dark, went deep into his mind, and tried to banish it, as he did so long ago with the Revenant. The good thing was that we found out that it was some sort of creature from the Dark. The bad thing was that it…..it attacked Cadvan. It was horrible just watching. His face was deep in concentration, and he shut those beautiful blue eyes… what? Why did I write that?_

_Anyway, he shut his eyes and suddenly cried out in pain. Then he was thrown upon the floor, convulsing and shouting terrible, horrible cries of anguish and pain. I ran to help him, but Silvia grabbed me and held me back, and I could do naught but watch Cadvan battle with this creature so unknown to us all. It was over ten minutes before Cadvan opened his eyes again, and I tell you, my diary, that I have never been happier to see him alive than right there. It was then that Silvia released me, and I ran to him, and he looked at me sorrowfully, his face alight with sweat and his mouth hard and grim. He shook his head, and told me that it had attacked him, and that he had barely won, and that Hem was still as unaware of the world as ever. I began to cry (to my humiliation, but how can it be helped? He is my only kin.) and Cadvan just comforted me while I let all of the anguish out, despite his ordeal only moments before. I still wonder at his strength of mind. _

_For the rest of the day, we all sat around a table in the kitchen, trying to decide what our next plan would be. In a long course of time, much of nothing was accomplished. It was late before we decided that I would have to try to battle this monster. Alone. Tomorrow. I am afraid once more. Will I survive? But I must; Hem needs me. Without me, he'll die, I am sure. The monster saps his strength daily, and his complexion wanes and his face grows colder with every passing minute. I must be strong, and help him for his own sake. I just wonder…..if I will return._

_Once more, I fear the future. Once more, I am terrified._

**CADVAN**

_Dear Diary,_

_I shudder at the thought of today. I had thought nothing could be worse than what we all endured yesterday, but there was. And I fear there is worse to come._

_We sent for many healers, but none could do a thing, except hope for the best and give us various medicines to try. In desperation, I decided to try another treatment. It would have given me such joy, had I succeeded, in seeing him alive and seeing the gleeful look on Maerad's gorgeous face…what? Why did I write that?_

_Anyway, I decided to try and vanquish the spirit within him, as I had done with that Revanant so many years ago. It was hard then, but in my arrogance, I thought that today would be much easier. I was stupid to think that. Yet again arrogance gets the better of me!_

_I went inside his mind, and I felt the creature. It is horrible, and full of menace that none have yet encountered. I could feel its size; it must have been monstrous. It takes no shape, but it is made of smoke, sometimes there, sometimes not, but always you can feel its presence. I almost felt Hem's presence, a tormented, scared soul lying not a few feet away. I managed to gather only this information before the creature sensed me and struck out. I cried out, at least I think I did. The grip was suffocating, and I had nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide. It held fast, and I struggled with everything I had. I screamed and shouted and lashed out, and it seemed nothing could sway the monster. Until, that is, I thought of the only thing that is able to destroy the Dark: love. I fiercely held onto the thought of Ceredin, but the monster only laughed cruelly and held on tighter. I shook myself from that thought (although I still puzzle; why did thinking of Ceredin, my one true love, not work?) and began to concentrate on Hem: I was enduring this for him, out of love for the boy, so lost, and then again found. At the far reaches of my consciousness, I heard the monster scream in pain and fury, and I began to concentrate more hopefully on that. I thought of Dernhil, who was a great friend to me. I thought of Nelac, who believed in me when so many others did not. I thought of Malgorn, and the kindness he has shown me forever. I thought of Saliman, and his unfailing loyalty and profound friendship in times of trouble. But most of all, I thought of_……………………………………._Maerad. She is always there for me, she has been my friend through so long, and she trusted me, even when I did not tell her the truth about my past. Her laugh her smile, the way she cared so much for Hem, it just makes, I mean, made, me feel so full of love. The monster could not withstand this, and his hold was torn away, and I escaped back into my own mind. I remember lying on the floor, and then I opened my eyes. Maerad came to sit next to me, a scared and hopeful look in her eyes. I could only shake my head, and tell her that I had not won._

_She began to cry, and I simply comforted her. She needs that comfort. But I was uneasy, thinking of what I had been feeling before, in the clutches of the monster. Surely I didn't…..love……love….oh, it is all preposterous! _

_For the rest of the day, we talked over what should come next. It took a long while, but we eventually decided that Maerad needed to go and seek out the monster, and then attack him. She is stronger than us all. Yet still, I fear for her. What if she does not return? The monster is dangerous. I must tell her all about it, otherwise she will surely die in its hands. Quick, I must go, while there is still time. Goodbye, my diary! Grant me luck!!!!!!_

...and grant me luck in writing the next chapter! So, what did you think? REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!


	4. An Awkward Conversation in the Night

Another chapter at last... know that I don't like to keep you waiting

**Disclaimer:** Go back in the other chapters and read the disclaimers. I don't have time to write these for every chapter!!!

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_I write in fear today. My meeting with the monster will take place this afternoon, and I write, knowing that it might be…the last time. I want to save Hem. And I will save Hem. My hope for today is to vanquish the monster. Late last night, Cadvan came rushing in, and his eyes were hollow and dark, with a fear I know reflected my own. I will write down our conversation here, indeed it was very…interesting:_

"Maerad I have much to tell you."

"Then do it quickly. Hem must be saved as soon as possible."

"There is only one way to defeat the monster, and it is the truest form of light."

"Love?"

"Yes, Love."

_There was a strange silence here that wasn't exactly comfortable, and strange, unknown thoughts were running through my head, but Cadvan continued:_

"The monster will seek you out, and as soon as it senses you it will strike. Being held in its grip is like being trapped in a vice. It squeezes and crushes, until all of the joy and Light in your body has fled, and you also are a creature of darkness. Do not let that happen."

_There was a strange note of worry in his voice, and it rather pierced my heart. I didn't dwell on that, though, and I met his eyes:_

"How do I not let that happen?"

"You must cling fiercely to the thought of those you love, or once loved long ago."

_In his voice was now a wistful tone, and it made me……jealous? No, surely not jealous!:_

"Like who?"

"Like Hem. Remember that you are doing this for him. Like Silvia. She is very much like the mother you never had."

_I could sense that he wanted to add more, but he looked away. I didn't prod, but indeed it made me curious. Who else did he want to mention? _

_There was another silence, this one more awkward than the first, and then Cadvan sighed and stood up to leave. In his eyes was a defeat of some sort, a sad anguish at not being able to…what? What was he not able to do? Cadvan is a mystery to me._

_Anyway, he stood up and left, saying quietly that that was what I must know. _

_I slept uneasily that night, and dreams of horror kept me fearing what is to come._

_The flame ever darkens in the light of our world._

**CADVAN**

_Dear Diary,_

_I write in fear today. It is early, and later this afternoon, Maerad will try to save Hem. She is our last chance. I fervently pray that she will vanquish this horrid monster once and for all. And I hope she makes it through…_

_Last night I told Maerad what she must do in order to save her brother. I will record our conversation here, as it was rather confusing to both of us, I think:_

"Maerad I have much to tell you."

"Then do it quickly. Hem must be saved as soon as possible."

"There is only one way to defeat the monster, and it is the truest form of light."

"Love?"

"Yes, Love."

_There was a strange silence here that was rather uncomfortable, so I chose to break it by continuing. Why did I feel so awkward that night? It was only Maerad:_

"The monster will seek you out, and as soon as it senses you it will strike. Being held in its grip is like being trapped in a vice. It squeezes and crushes, until all of the joy and light in your body has fled, and you also are a creature of darkness. Do not let that happen."

_I saw her look up in slight confusion, and I hoped that I was hiding my emotions well enough. But now that I think back on it, I know that that is rubbish. What was there to hide? She didn't seem to feel this, though, and she looked me straight in the eye as she spoke:_

"How do I not let that happen?"

"You must cling fiercely to the thought of those you love, or once loved long ago."

_I immediately thought of Ceredin, and was surprised to see some jealousy in her eyes. No, I did not feel surprise…pleasure, almost. No! Surely I didn't feel pleasure in her jealousy over…something. What could it be? But she continued, and I had not time to think on these disturbing emotions:_

"Like who?"

"Like Hem. Remember that you are doing this for him. Like Silvia. She is very much like the mother you never had."

_There was nothing more in the world I wanted right then to say, to blurt out, to stutter into the empty void of silence that followed. Two words that I needed to say, two words that must be said. I wanted to scream it to the world, knowing that Maerad would know what I meant. To say it, and therefore see understanding in her sapphire eyes so like mine. To say it, and therefore be all the sadder when she goes to fight this peril that awaits her. To say it, and know that my feelings are true. To say it, and at last be satisfied. To say it, and know at last what I have wanted to say, to show her, all along. But I did not say those two hateful words which will haunt me till I die, and that is my great defeat. I did not say those two small words which make all the difference:_

_"Like Me."_

Da-Da-Dunnnnnnn!!!!!!!!!!!! lol Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'm going back to school this week, so I may not have some work up for a while. But I will try. Bye for now!!!!

By the way, check out my forum! It's called "Bards of Annar," and I made it specially for all you Pellinorites out there. ENJOY!!!!!!!!


	5. Peril With The Monster

Another Chapter at last. Have fun, and remember to Review.

**Disclaimer: **"yawn" Oh, sorry, what? Oh yeah, I don't own it. Going back to bed now...

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_I did it! I vanquished the monster! I am full of euphoria, and so lightheaded and giddy! It is gone, and Hem has returned from the deep recesses of his mind. We are so thankful, thankful indeed. _

_This afternoon, I came down the stairs, trembling with nerves. Cadvan stayed by my side the entire time, and he walked me down the stairs. I was entirely grateful for his presence, as the whole house seemed blackened by a dark foreboding. Fearfully, we stepped into the music room. I remember seeing Hem lying pale and sickly on the couch before I passed out in a dead faint._

_When I awoke, I saw Cadvan leaning close to me, his eyes alight with concern. He asked if I was okay, and I began to cry for the second day in a row! How embarrassed I was, but Cadvan just comforted me once more, and when I looked up, our eyes met. I was caught in those sapphires for a moment, and in that moment, something more than understanding passed between the two of us. I dare not voice it, even on paper. _

_Feeling stronger from his comfort, I knew that I was at last ready to tackle the monster. Fear welled up inside me, and I paced slowly over to where Hem lay, and sat down beside him. I drank in his sunken form, and knew that no matter how afraid I was, I must save him. I took in every little detail of his bony body, knowing that it might be the last time I saw any of it. Who knew how dangerous the monster was?_

_Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes, and then I pushed out my mind to Hem's. It was cold, deathly cold, and the darkness drowned almost all memory of light from my mind. But I clung desperately to the thought of what Cadvan had told me before: focus on those I love. Luckily, I began to do this just in time, for it was then that the monster detected my presence, and he grabbed me, just as Cadvan said he would._

_I most certainly now owe my life to Cadvan. I thought of all who I love, just as he said to do, and that is what saved me. I first began to think of Dernhil, but then the monster laughed and gripped me tighter. Why did thinking of the only one who had loved me not work? I shifted my thoughts. I began to think of Hem, my brother, my only kin, who I was doing this for. I thought of Silvia, my mother in almost every way. I thought of the Nim the Jussack, who had taken good care of me, even though he did not have to. I thought of Saliman, who guided my brother along the way, who he owed his life to. I thought of Imi, and the companionship she showed me when I thought all was lost. But most of all, I thought of Cadvan. He is the one who guided me through life, who showed me what was right. He changed me. He made me. He brought me into a world where I actually could feel love. He discovered who I was, and helped me see who I would be. He was a friend through it all. All of this love welled up inside me, and inside Hem's mind, it grew brighter and brighter until darkness ceased to exist. The monster let out a yell of pain, and I could feel him disappear. He was just...gone. And yet best of all, I could feel Hem's icy presence slowly returning to normal. My brother was back._

_I released his mind and found myself sitting dazed on the couch beside Hem, who was smiling up at me. He said hello, and I remember tears welling in my eyes at the sight of him. But I felt drained. I remember slithering off of the couch, but Cadvan caught me in his arms. He was so close I could smell his cologne, a fragrant mix of something sharp and yet soft. He kept whispering in my ears, 'you were great' or 'By the Light, Maerad, that was something I have never seen the likes of' or 'thank the Light you're okay.' I just relaxed, and soon fell into a sleep, knowing that I could, for now there was nothing to fear. _

_When I awoke, Saliman, Silvia, Malgorn, Cadvan, and Hem were all gathered around the bed in my room, talking and laughing. It was a sight I had thought I would never see again. Hem spotted me first, and ran over and leaped onto the bed, a smile drawn upon his yellowed face. Everyone soon noticed and followed. They stood concerned for a while until I laughed and said I was fine, and then everyone, relieved, began talking all at once. I was never so happy to see all of my friends gathered in one place, all my friends here for me. My heart still overflows with joy!_

_Cadvan and Hem helped me down the stairs, and we all had a lovely dinner together, and then afterwards relaxed in the music room. That is where I am now, writing in a corner as I watch all of this activity going on around me. Hem sits before the fire, his eyes round as he watches Saliman tell a story. I laugh watching him; for all his strength of mind, he is still not much more than a child! Saliman tells the story, his hands painting pictures before our eyes, and Malgorn and Silvia sit together, happily watching us all. Silvia leans her head on Malgorn's chest, and I wonder at how much they must love each other. I do wonder what it is like to love someone like that. Maybe one day I'll…no, that's preposterous! _

_Cadvan sits beside me, scribbling in a little black notebook. His face is concentrated, but he at last looks content. I think this incident put as much a strain on him as it did on me. I just remember seeing his face as we talked of Hem; how sad it was. Maybe because he never really knew the boy._

_But that is over, so we must rejoice. Looking up, I sigh in delight. I see him smile at his thoughts, and then suddenly he looks up and meets my eyes. I get lost in those deep blue jewels for a moment, and for the first time I realize how beautiful his face is, the whiplash nearly faded, his lips soft and firm all at once, his eyes burning bright in the middle. Then I realize I'm staring._

_But so is he._

**CADVAN**

_Dear Diary,_

_Maerad did it! She vanquished the monster! At last, Hem has returned! Everyone is thankful, thankful indeed._

_This afternoon, I walked with Maerad down the stairs, thinking that she might need some comfort in this time before her peril. Both of us, now filled with fear, stepped into the music room. We had naught but taken too steps when Maerad passed out beside me, probably from nerves. I know I would've. Just in time, I turned and caught her, and her skin was paler than snow. I shook her gently and called her name, and she awoke. She looked as frightened as a rabbit, and she began to cry again. How I wished I had known a better way to comfort her, but what I did seemed to be enough. She looked up at last, and our eyes met. Something more than understanding passed between us, but how can I say it? Do I really know what it is? Or I am wishing beyond hope?_

_I saw her give a little shudder, and then she got up and stepped weakly to his side. She sat down, and grasped his hand. She stared at his sick, bony body for a moment, and then closed her eyes. _

_What happened next is beyond my comprehension. She gripped his hand tightly, and suddenly her face went white. She screamed, and then suddenly, she stopped. Her face became peaceful, and I fervently hoped that she was remembering what I had told her the night before. It seemed, though, that she had. She began whispering under her breath. I heard 'Silvia,' 'Hem,' and I knew at once that was what she was doing. She was using love, the greatest form of the Light, to defeat the darkness. In that room, all was silent, save Maerad's whispering. Then I heard something that startled me. She said 'Cadvan' and I nearly leaped out of my chair. It gave me a strange feeling in my chest, and my heart…I don't know what it did, some funny flips or such. But then my musings were interrupted as an eldritch scream split the room. It lasted for minutes, hours, I couldn't tell, but then all was still. Not a breath did we utter as we waited to see what happened. Slowly, Hem opened his eyes. My heart almost melted with relief, and Saliman immediately ran to his side. I, however, still had worries for Maerad, but she too began to wake. She opened her eyes, and brother and sister shared a smile. Hem said some words I couldn't hear, and Maerad smiled wider. But then she fell back, and I caught her once more. I began whispering in her ear as I drew her close to my face, and I could smell her perfume, a heady mix of violets and roses and musk. I just told her how wonderful she was until she relaxed enough to fall asleep, and let me carry her up into her room. _

_It was there we all sat, talking and laughing at last. Hem was eager to know what he had missed, and was sorry to know of the trouble he had caused. But I told him it was fine, and he looked at me with a new light in his eyes. I now feel that Hem trusts me. I do not know why, but he does, and I am glad of it. _

_After nearly an hour, Maerad awoke. Hem saw her first and rushed over, and we all followed. She was smiling, and after she reassured us that she was okay, we took her downstairs. Hem and I carried her, and she was laughing with him the entire way. How it makes me miss my family. But I will see them again. I will. _

_We all together had a lovely dinner, just talking and laughing and sharing news, until we were full to the brim. We then went to lounge in the music room, and that is where you find me now. I write in my own little world, just watching the activity around me. Hem sits before the fire, his eyes round as he watches Saliman tell a story. I laugh watching him; for all his strength of mind, he is still not much more than a child! Saliman tells the story, his hands painting pictures before our eyes, and Malgorn and Silvia sit together, happily watching us all. Silvia leans her head on Malgorn's chest, and I wonder at how much they must love each other. I do wonder what it is like to love someone like that. Maybe one day I'll…no, that's ridiculous! I'm too old for all of that. And I know no woman who would ever love me. But maybe it is all for the better._

_Maerad is beside me, writing something in a small leather book. I am glad this is over. She felt so much pressure during it all. It is good for her to be able to live her life fully now. Now we can all relax and enjoy ourselves. _

_Out of the corner of my eye, I see her look up at Saliman and Hem. She sighs in delight, and I smile slightly at this. No doubt everyone feels that way. Her more than most, I now think. I look up and she's now looking at me. Our eyes meet, and for a moment, I am caught in those stunning orbs so like the sea, relentless and passionate but beautiful and divine. For the first time, I realize how truly beautiful she is; her lips are full and smooth, her cheeks pale but soft, her eyes always the focus, burning brilliantly in the middle. Then I realize I'm staring._

_But so is she._

Sigh Total M+Cness. I won't keep you in suspense much longer. New chapter will be up soon, but for now you must read and review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	6. A Realization

New Chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Disclaimer: **Nope. They are not mine. And yet I still live. I must go and contemplate this great wonder...

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_Ah, my diary. It is good to rest. It is late tonight, and I sit outside as the wind stirs my hair. It has been three days since Hem was healed. We have all been making the most of our time here._

_The day before yesterday, Hem, Cadvan, Saliman and I went on a trip to the meadows, where the brooks bubble and flowers wave in the breeze. It was very peaceful indeed, just the four of us chatting as the brook laughed its way across the downs. There is not very much to speak of, though, and there came a time when none of us had anything more to say. I remember leaning back on the ground, and Cadvan lay on one side of me, and Hem the other. I remember Hem grasped my arm and laughed when he saw a passing cloud shape itself into a wolf. I laughed with him, and then all was silent. Then suddenly Cadvan grabbed my hand and pointed out the moon, clearly visible during the day, amazingly. It was such a wonder! But that was not what I was concentrating on, for Cadvan's gentle touch sent me all a-tingle, and I could barely see. How does his touch make me feel different then Hems? Uneasily, I remember, I shrugged away from that touch, although it made me feel empty without it. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him turn, surprised and hurt. What a look! It made me feel hurt as well, and I was sorry I'd pulled away. That thought surprised ME. We all fell into an uneasy silence, well, at least Cadvan and I did. Hem and Saliman were chatting away, like the friends they always were. I was immensely grateful when Cadvan announced that it was time to go. He rode swathed in silence on Darsor, and I sat on Imi, just looking straight ahead. Saliman and Hem rode behind, and they were strangely silent as well. I think my and Cadvan's mood was affecting everyone._

_I find Cadvan hard to read. He is oh so kind, but he seems withdrawn, and he doesn't show feelings well. I am getting better, though, at seeing his true emotions. Right then I sensed that he was feeling preoccupied. With what? It makes me want to scream! I need to know!_

_Anyway, yesterday I spent in the library. Cadvan came up to me, and as I was reading, he sat down beside me. I glanced up, and he was looking away. Sighing, I closed the book and turned to him. He looked back, his hair outlined by the sunlight streaming in through the window, and asked if I would like to go to the Mare's Tail with him. I said yes, and with all thoughts of the previous day gone, we went down the streets, happily talking and laughing, just like old times. I had a delicious dish, although I can't remember what it was, and then Cadvan and I took out our lyres, and played for the people in the tavern. It was beautiful, so much fun, and relaxing all at once. But I just remember, we played The Lay of Andomian and Beruldh. My thoughts went back and found that memory of two bards, in a copse, playing as the sun faded in the sky. I remember thinking that that really was our first meeting, our first time really getting to know each other. Then, as we played together, I though of Beruldh's story, how she was caught in the dungeons of The Nameless. So like me. And how she loved Andomian, and he tried to rescue her. Andomian, like Cadvan. My heart went cold. Their story was basically our story, except we lived. Could it be…?_

_With these thoughts, yesterday was troubled as well. Today, I stayed in my room. I have not seen Cadvan all day. That is why I rest in the garden, to escape the house and still be away from him. I know naught why I stay, only that…I am afraid. But…I want love, now. I think it overpowers the fear. I think…I am ready. But there is a single question:_

_Does Cadvan really feel that way?_

**CADVAN **

_Dear Diary,_

_I am so grateful for rest. I am outside, and the night is warm. It is a balm to my soul after the events of the past few nights. It has been three days since Hem's awakening, and we have spent our time well._

_The day before yesterday, Hem, Saliman, Maerad, and I went on a ride to the meadows. I think it will have been my last ride on Darsor before I set him free. But oh, we had so much fun! Just the four of us, laughing and talking as a brook bubbled peacefully beside us. Soon, however, there came a time when none of us had nothing more to say. We all lay down on the ground, just watching the sky, happy to do nothing but rest. I heard Hem suddenly laugh, and I followed to where he was pointing, and we say a cloud shaped like a wolf. They both laughed, and I had to smile. That was how siblings were meant to be; laughing with each other. I miss my brothers and sisters as well, but alas, they are gone. I will see them past the gates, though. I remember contemplating these thoughts, and then I looked up and saw the moon. The night, visible during the day! It was beautiful! I reached over and grasped Maerad's arm, pointing it towards the moon. But the shock of touching her set my skin on fire. But it was a delicious fire, one that I wanted to let flicker forever. She, however, had other ideas, and uneasily pulled away. I tried to hide my emotions; I really didn't know what I was feeling. _

_The rest of the day was spoiled. We rode back in silence, and I did not see Maerad for the rest of the day._

_Yesterday, I tried to start fresh. I found her in the library, her head in a book, as usual. I sat down beside her, and then she turned and looked at me. I asked her if she would like to dine in the tavern, and she graciously accepted. We had a wonderful time, just eating our fill and talking of nothing in particular. Then, after an hour or two, we took out our lyres and played for the people in the tavern. It was great fun, and there was much music and laughter and dancing. After many, many innumerable songs, we played the song we had sung so long ago, The Lay of Andomian and Beruldh. Immersed in our playing, I began to think about what the song actually meant. Beruldh, trapped in the dungeons of the Nameless. Andomian, her lover, who rescued her… Beruldh, like Maerad. My heart went cold, as if a hand like that of Arkan had grasped it tightly, squeezing out all of the warmth. Their story…it is our story. Well, we lived, but it was mere chance. But still, could it be?_

_With those thoughts, yesterday was spoiled as well. I avoided Maerad at all costs today, and remained out of her presence, so as to think. That is why I now rest in a far corner of the garden, out of sight of all. I stay here…because I don't know if she…if she…the real question is… Is Maerad ready for this? Or maybe most importantly:_

_Does Maerad feel this way?_

que dramatic music What will happen? I can gaurantee that there are only a few more chapters...more dramatic music


	7. It Is Too Late

**Last Chapter!!!!!!! But don't worry, I'm also doing an epilogue...**

**Disclaimer: **I own the story, but nothing else. Too bad, so sad...

**MAERAD**

_Dear Diary,_

_I am filled with an inextinguishable grief. This shall be my last entry, my diary, for I fear that my days are short, as part of me is already gone. I also have plans for you, plans that will take you far, far away from this wretched world._

_Today, I saw Cadvan again. We did not see each other all day, and then we had dinner. Just the two of us, as everyone else was away. It was another awkward conversation, and I am filled with sorrow: where did the harmony that used to exist between us go? How I now wish that I had said something, anything. I want those precious moments back. Looking into the memory, I can see his face, so stern, but his eyes were yearning, yearning to say something. What was it? I wish I had asked; I wish I had just said something, anything. But it is now too late._

_As soon as we finished dinner, we sat in a sullen silence for a while. I think he was feeling as I was. But I could bear it no longer. I excused myself and went out into the garden. I feel it is the only place I am now comforted, and feel at rest. I listened to the sound of the wind rustling through the roses, and I felt it caress my face and hair. I could see the stars glittering icily up above, but their beauty offered no comfort. I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I still think that, and have finally admitted it. I don't care that the Light shall reign forever. I don't care that The Nameless will never return. I don't care that I now live a peaceful life filled with luxury. I want to go back, to times when Cadvan and I were true friends, when we were able to laugh and talk without confusion. I miss it. And as I thought about it in that garden, I missed it then, too. _

_I was so stupid, my diary. So stupid. Why did I not pay attention in that evil place of darkness?_

_I was wrapped in those thoughts, and…I am crying now. Why did I not pay attention? Wrapped in those thoughts I was, when someone came. Someone came behind me. Oh, my diary, why? Why?_

_It was hulls, my diary, hulls and other creatures of the dark. They came, they broke the wards, like so long ago with Dernhil, and now…now I am here. And someone else is not._

_One grabbed me with his bony hands, and I could feel his hot, deathly, breath against my skin. I couldn't even scream. A sickly nausea came over me, and I was certain that if the hull did not kill me first, I would surely die from terror and sickness. I heard him say, in an awful voice like the grave, "Tonight, Maerad of Pellinor, my master will be avenged, and you shall be no more." He is right. I may be here, but in spirit, I'm not. I have gone, never to return. The hull grabbed me, and suddenly his hands began to glow with the fell light of black fire, the fire of the dark. Then I was racked by terrible pain, and I felt I would black out. I wish I had not been so helpless, and I wish things had not been as they were. But regretting is tiresome, and entirely useless. It really is too late._

_I knew that I was going to die. But I was wrong about the way it would happen. For in my worries, I had not made any noise, but someone knew with a sense other than sound, that I was in trouble. And that someone…how; why, did it have to be him. Tears fall across my page as I write this, but someone once told me, "It does good to weep for the dead." I only regret that I must weep for him at all. _

_That someone…that someone came to my rescue. He shouted my name, and I heard the ring of a sword being drawn. I gasped, despite my extremity. I knew that sword sound. Then the hull hissed, and dropped me, and began to draw his own sword. The other copied him, and turned to face that someone. Then I looked up, and tears came down once more._

_That someone was Cadvan._

_He stood ablaze with white flame, and in his eyes flickered passionate rage. His hair blew about him in an increasing wind, and the sky darkened, making his figure seem made of pure light. But the hull, so dark before him, was large, and his blade was menacing and cruel. I feared the worst, but I was drained, and could barely watch as my life fell to pieces before me. _

_Cadvan shouted something I couldn't understand, as the wind tore his words away, and the leading hull screeched back. Then Cadvan leapt forwards and was met by the hull, and the fierce sound of metal against metal rang out loud in the chaos around us. I watched from my position on the ground, but I couldn't move. I wish fervently that I could have, that I could have done anything, anything. But I didn't. I am sobbing now, my diary, and my pen wobbles. I can barely see the paper. They fought for ages, I don't know how long, and each time Cadvan was wounded, I cried out with him. The hull seemed to gain strength, and since they cannot be killed by normal means, he was still as strong, if not stronger, than when they started. But Cadvan tired. I could see it in his face. My valiant Cadvan, tired, and defeated. Then everything happened in a flash. The other hulls threw up their arms, and Cadvan's grim face suddenly lit up in that horrid, fell darkness of hulls, and then he was thrown against the wall, and with a horrible sound of breaking bone and flesh he fell to the ground, coming to lay spread eagle on the floor, completely and utterly still, blood pooling from his wounds, sopping into the ground and into his matted hair. The hulls and wers and creatures cheered mercilessly._

_I screamed, my diary. I screamed for I don't know how long. The world faded around me, and all I could see was Cadvan laying still on the ground. Tears ran, wet and salty onto my cheeks and then down to the ground. With all that I had left, I blasted the things, the horrid, cursed things. I made sure they were dead, I murdered them with every bone in my body, I avenged my brave, handsome, Cadvan, for I knew he was really mine. Then I stopped screaming, still choked with sobs, and it began to rain almost immediately, and still the wind picked up. I crawled to Cadvan's side, still crying, with no hope. But I saw him move, and weakly, I whispered to him, begging him to hear me. He turned his bloody face to meet my eyes, and his mouth quirked into a sad little smile._

_"Always getting into trouble, my dear?" he whispered to me._

_I just kept sobbing, and he put a hand on my arm. "It will be all right," I remember him saying, but it didn't help. I knew now. I knew what was to come._

_"Maerad," he said, his voice gathering strength, "look at me."_

_I did, and it was all I ever wanted to do again, just look at his face, his beautiful, lovely face. "Cadvan…I have done this to you. And yet you still aren't mad. I don't understand."_

_I wept some more, and my tears fell onto his face, running off to join the puddles of rain on the ground. How I now wish that I had at least tried to save him, done anything at all, no matter how foolish it might have been. But it was hopeless anyway._

_"Maerad, we have been friends for ages. And you think one incident would take away our friendship?"_

_"But Cadvan, I have…I have killed you," I whispered it to him, and that is when it hit me. Cadvan was going to die. There was nothing I could do at the time, being so emotional and stupid. The blood pooled around us, soaking my white cloak, and turning it a ruddy red. His wounds were large, and his eyes were filled with pain. But also something else: love. I know it now. Cadvan loved me, but I was too blind to see it. I also wish for more time, but my wishes are innumerous, and nothing can change the past. It really was too late._

_"No, Maerad," he said again, and he gasped in pain, but his eyes remained clear. He sat up, and grasped my arm. "You brought me so much I never had. You brought friendship, you brought laughter, and you brought joy. How could you have killed me? Maybe physically, but inside I am alive with you. Maerad, I love you."_

_He said it so crisply that at first I wasn't sure I heard it right, with all the wind and rain around us, blowing hair in front of my ears and eyes, obscuring my senses. But I did, for when I kissed him, he said nothing, and only kissed me back. Blood spread along my face as well, and my tears mixed with his blood. Why, oh why, oh why?!? Why did it have to end? But suddenly it was over, and Cadvan fell back onto the ground. Dead. Dead. Dead. _

_I had not the strength to scream anymore, and I leaned over him, weeping and sobbing and moaning. Tears fell and mixed with blood and rain, staining his face and my cloak. But I didn't notice. All I felt was grief._

_People found us out there, just the two of us. I was still crying, and Cadvan was still dead. It was not a dream. I had to be carried into the house, and Cadvan was as well. The dark creatures were left behind. I am glad of it. I feel such anger towards them; death was not enough punishment. I want to kill them again and again and again, just hear them scream, for what they did to Cadvan. But nothing would be enough. Ever. They carried me to Cadvan's room, where he had already been lain. I know naught who took me, but I am thankful they put me there. I lay beside him all day, resting his head on my breast, begging him silently to awaken. But he would not. I know that now. I fell asleep beside him, and when I awoke I was here, in my room. My guess is they want me to get over it. But how can I? Cadvan, my love, is gone. I just discovered I loved him, and then he was torn away from me. I write in anger and pain and anguish now. I will remember you, Cadvan, till the day I die. I will see him past the Gates, but that brings little hope. I am numb, and I will never get over it. Love is hard to lose. _

_I guess we will have some sort of ceremony for him, and people will cry, but they will move on. Not me. I remain here, in this unfathomable place of darkness and grief. _

_But Cadvan would want me to move on. So I will try. Tomorrow is new, and I will face the sun with hope. Cadvan, this is my last entry, and wherever you are, I want you to read this song and be satisfied:_

The horror fades away  
Darkness has been slain  
Beauty lives again  
And tears all turn to rain

That is the life  
The life I long for  
The life I want to own  
But it seems…  
Darkness is my own

Goodness fades away  
Brightness has been slain  
Ugly lives again  
And tears they still remain

When you died  
This life became mine  
The life I long for  
The only life I want…  
Is yours

I'll try to face  
The lies and the pain  
Bring back the love  
Bring back the rain  
I'll remember you  
I won't give up  
I'll keep your light shining  
Darkness won't be enough  
You held me tight  
You kept me alive  
And I can still feel you  
When my light shines  
Cause my light is yours  
And your light is mine  
I'll love you forever  
And that keeps me…  
Alive

So know that I love you  
Cause even though you're gone  
You're still here…  
With me

_Cadvan, I love you. This song is for you. Remember me. Please. I love you. Because really, through all the pains and secrets, joys and sorrows, loves and passions I put in here, now I truly realize: It is you I have been writing to for all these long years._

_May you cherish this book, and in return me, forever._

_Maerad of Pellinor  
__Elednor na Edil-Amarandh  
__The Love of Your Life  
_

-sniff- -sob- I know, I'm evil, but it had to be done. There will be an epliogue, but I hope you liked the final chapter of Dear Diary.

--oh, and I know that the storm was rather cliched. I just felt it was appropriate. Hey, it's a cliche. That's the point, isn't it?--


	8. EPILOGUE

**_THE EPILOGUE_**

_The wind was blowing, gently now, and it stirred the grasses waving on the hillside. Water trickled from a stream that gurgled its way across the downs, although there was now a mournful tone to its voice, as if it remembered days when bards had sat beside it in the meadows, talking and laughing, and yet it knew that there would be no more. But alas, all things must come to an end._

_On the hillside, someone stood; a woman. Her black hair blew around her, giving the effect of something supernatural. Her eyes were closed, and tears ran down her cheeks, and in her hands she held a small object: a brown, leather-bound book. Suddenly she opened her soft blue eyes and knelt down, and with a moments indecision, placed the object by her feet. No, not by her feet. Lying there in before her, upon which she placed the book, was a gravestone. Just a small carved stone, really, but it seemed the focus of this woman's life. She straightened again, obviously trying to be strong, but a few more tears slipped down her cheeks. Her mouth moved, and she watched the gravestone with fierce concentration, and her face was full of an emotion: love. But the bereavement in her eyes was enough to know what she was feeling. Then her lips stopped moving, and she simply stood still; the only thing moving was her hair, tossing and turning. Then she closed her eyes again. Slowly, almost indefinably, something began to happen. It became more apparent, and then slowly, slowly, she faded and dissolved into the air, blowing away on the wind. She was gone._

_The world was quiet, and the pages of the diary being brushed by the breeze was the only sound that could now be heard. But maybe, if you listened just hard enough, you could hear the sound of joyful, ecstatic laughter from far off, carried on the air, as if two lovers had been reunited, and at last could rest. Or maybe it was just the wind…_

**_HERE ENDS THE STORY OF MAERAD OF PELLINOR AND CADVAN OF LIRIGON  
MAY THEY LIVE TOGETHER IN LOVE, PEACE, AND HARMONY FOREVER_**


End file.
